Working it out

This past week my mother-in-law* died.  So, I will begin by freely admitting, I am working some stuff out.  Working out some stuff with God, working out some questions, working on some anger and heartache in my heart.

She died young of a rare disease - one in a million 'they' said  (creuzfedt-jakob disease).  The percentages don't matter.  The fact that she's gone matters.  The truth that she left behind 6 grandchildren under the age of 13 matters.  Left behind a daughter and a son and a husband....it matters.  A lot.

People have been wrestling with the age-old question of, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" forever.  Or for that matter, why do bad things happen to people who do bad things?  If God is such a good and loving God, then.... why doesn't God just do something?

It's natural to pose this question at times of crisis in out lives.  I've heard people say that asking, "Why" is the wrong question.  I get why they say it's wrong, but I think it's inevitable.

Because, the truth is, when you're the person who's life is failing apart, who feels like you can't possibly face crawling into bed and sleeping alone for the rest of your life, or when you're the person who can't call your best friend anymore or when you're the bright-eyed child who has one less grandparent today you're going to ask "Why?"  Why ask why?  Because we need to - at least I do and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this.

Sometimes I joke about feeling like Job when a slew of bad things happen to me.  If you remember, Job is the guy in the Bible who does everything right.  He loves God, he follows the commandments, he lives an upright life (he probably eats his greens beans and keeps his sodium intake low too).  And yet, his life is filled with horrendous despair.  He loses his house, his animals, his family...everything.  In my opinion, Job gets to ask, "Why?  Why me, God?"  I mean, I would.

But his friends, oooo, his friends make me so mad.  His friends say, "Why?" and point fingers.  They decide surely Job has done something to deserve his pain and suffering.  Instead of asking Job, "How can we help, my friend," they leave him alone in  his torment.

Ultimately, the "why" is really unhelpful, but most of us need to ask it.  But for those of us who aren't lost in a pool of tears, we should consider asking ourselves, "How can I help?"

Because, I am really sorry, but I cannot answer the question of "Why?"  I just don't know...  I know the God I love and worship and trust doesn't plague this world with war and disease and sadness as justice, but I sure know it exists.  I may be a pastor, but the only thing I know to say when people's worlds are falling apart is "I'm sorry".  There are very few words to say besides that.

I hugged a lot of people this past weekend and said a lot of, "I'm sorry's."  And then I heard about a young man at my home congregation who committed suicide.  Why?  My heart broke for his family.  "Unfair!" my head and heart screamed.  Yes, unfair and awful, but to leave it there - leave it at 'why did this  happen' is unfair too.

So, as the "why's" rumbled around in my head I remembered the people who had surrounded my mother-in-law's family.  They got through constantly caring for her because people answered the question of "how" with food, with phone calls, with hugs, with laundry....  They got through the death because they responded by loving, by crying, by holding hands.  I can only hope that in these coming days that we remember to keep on responding....

Because, here's what I think - I think that in some ways God ultimately told Satan he was done playing games with him when Jesus came to earth.  Satan can taunt us and death may still haunt us, but God in Jesus has definitively answered the questions of: why? how? and what?

Why did this happen?  I don't know, but I do know why it will get better.  God promises to be as present in death as in life.

How can this be?  I don't know, but I do know how it will get better.  God is amazingly gracious and will send comfort in and through unexpected people.

What will I do?  I don't know, but I do know that you may only have to open your hands.  I do know that what will happen will be different than what you envisioned and that God will be in it with you.

And, if you are someone who is currently ok, currently able to breathe deeply and see straight, then I know that you will be called upon to help God with the why's and how's and what's of this world.  Don't shy away because there are people sitting next to you who need to know the gracious, unwavering, unyielding presence of God.

As I said to someone when I was the person who didn't know why or how or what....God with skin.  Sometimes that's what we need.  Be that - be God with skin to someone.  It just might make all the difference in that person's world.

Still working it all out.... with God and you.

*[author's note: I am divorced, however, I have not yet learned how to make myself stop loving people who have been part of my life for 20 years, nor do I plan on ever learning how to stop loving someone.  So, technically speaking....my 'ex' mother-in-law, but I'll never think of her that way.]

Staycation

I've been on vacation this past week....but I didn't go anyplace.  I just stayed at home.  A 'staycation'.
Many people asked me, "What are you going to do?"
I had big plans:
massage and pedicure
volunteering in classrooms
just being a mom for a few days
checking things off my 'to do' list
and unpacking, organizing, shopping, running, reading.

Not very many of those things sounds that great (except of course the massage and shopping part...), but some of the things on my 'to do' list that I tackled were things like: finding a dentist and making appointments, dealing with my taxes (double YUCK!), hanging up pictures, getting stuff together so I can go to the DMV (affectionately known as the 9th ring of hell).

None of these are fun.  They are the kinds of things which I push to the bottom of my list every single week and they are the pieces which make me feel like I never have enough time to get things done.  They are the things that when I am already too busy and I see those sitting at the bottom of my list I feel over-whelmed.

This week, I took time to deal with these things.  I despised some of the things I did on 'staycation,' but I made myself tackle at least one thing I had let go each day, even if it was just making a phone call.  However, now as I look at my list, with all the fresh new check marks I smile.  My list is shorter and I feel lighter.

My house is starting to feel like a home.
If we get sick or need a dentist....we have someplace to go now.
I took control of  my finances.
I saw friends and allowed myself to have fun.

So often what happens when I go on vacation is I go to escape.  It's nice to pretend like all those burdensome pieces of life aren't really there.  It's nice to leave sometimes.  Next vacation I hope to be sipping a soda on a sandy beach with the wind whipping through my hair....but this year I needed to stay.

I needed to stay and find me again.

What has made all the difference this week is - in staying, I am no longer stuck.

Sometimes we may equate 'stay' with being in one place or being stuck.  Staying and facing things allows us not to be stuck.  

I breathed deeper than I had in a long time.  I prayed more than I had in a long time.  I cooked more than I had in a long time.  I 'stayed' with me.... and that's a hard thing for many of us to do sometimes.

We want to escape, we want to run, we want a 'Calgon take me a away' moment...

The problem is we always return to find that the things we most want to 'just go away' are still sitting there - making us feel stuck.

Jesus asked John to stay with him.  Mary stayed with Jesus.  Jesus stayed with Legion and sent the demons away.  It seems like staying sometimes means we encounter the presence of 'More'...

It may be uncomfortable to stay.  It may mean you have to face things you would rather leave at the bottom of your list forever.... but if I know anything, I do know that running away from problems never works.

Stay awhile.

Sit awhile.

Be awhile.

Beautiful mess

When I was a young mom, I had very fixed ideas about how the perfect mom should be and what she should allow her children to do.

For example, they would certainly never, ever play on those hand-held video games in church.
And...they would never pretend to shoot one another.  How uncivilized!
We would have set amounts of screen time and instead of listening to the radio in the car, we would of course, sing the alphabet song or recite our multiplication facts.

Besides all this, I was fairly convinced that organization was the key to keeping things running smoothly.  Books were alphabetized and legos were sorted according to color.  And...I vacuumed every day.

And then, one day my oldest son came home from preschool and promptly told me that his best friend's dad was a 'bad guy.'
What?!
He proceeded to tell me that his friend's dad must be a bad guy because he carries a gun and he's in the Marines.  "Bad guys carry guns," he told me.
Ah.  Not perfection.  I had some back tracking to do.

Now, I have a whole arsenal of weapons in my house.  I detest it.  And...I also think it's ok.
My kids have also been known to have a charger at church in my office, so they can juice up their pocket video games when the batteries run low.

It's not ideal.  It's not perfect.  But, I will tell you something.... it's a lot more authentic.  It's a lot more real.

Yes, my kids scope out places in the forest to battle it out with their nerf guns.  But, they are playing together.  And they could sit for hours (if I let them) playing video games.  But, they can't wait to show me the new level they've reached.  And, our legos are all mixed together and we don't follow the directions....

It's all just a beautiful mess.  I think I'll take that over 'perfection' any day (well, most days....a perfectly clean house once a month would feel like heaven, but that'll have to wait about 18 years).

Housewarming

My house is drafty.  It was built in 1935.  The windows are thin and not tightly sealed. Since it was built in 1935, there are plenty of projects to do, so I haven't done a thing about the draftiness besides slide a draft stopper thing under my front door.

My kids didn't notice the draftiness, but they did notice the draft stopper.

The door's hard to open with that under it.  The door mat keeps getting pushed out of the way.  We trip over this draft stopper as we leave - it's cumbersome.

Today, my youngest son pulls a magazine insert card out of his pocket and says, "Oh, Mom, I found this in a magazine.  It's FREE.  Free Housewarming....".  And he hands the card to me with a big smile on his face.

I looked at it.  I looked at him.  And I smiled as I said to him, "Oh, Coop.  Thanks.  Housewarming."

He was still smiling as his brothers said, "What is it?"  

"Housewarming," he says.

He was certain this was going to make his mom  happy.  A free way to warm our house.  The card was actually an advertisement for credit cards...for those who had just moved to the neighborhood.  And I ended up explaining to him that a 'housewarming gift' is when someone brings you something that  makes your new house feel more like a home - like a plant or plate of cookies or a door wreath.

I guess my explanation is true, but today there was a homewarming at my house.  Warmed by the care, giving and, love that carried that card in his pocket all day, just so he could give it to me over dinner.  

The free way to warm our house ended up being that card, but in a much different way than my youngest son had anticipated.  Housewarming.  Homewarming.  Heartwarming.  

What a Difference a Year Makes...?

I've known that this year anniversary of mine was coming up for some time.

Today marks my one year anniversary of ordination.  It is a big deal in 'my world' - although in the scheme of the world, not such a big deal.  However, we all do seem to mark time by remembering anniversaries.  

Last year at this time I:

was snowed in

postponed my ordination due to snow

cancelled Advent 4 due to snow

and....was fairly certain that 'this time next year' things would be very different.  I was certain getting a year under my belt, so to speak, would make all the difference in the world.

So, here I sit, one year later and it seems like the only thing that is predictable in my world is the snow.  The irony of 'potential significant snowfall' in the next few days is not lost on me.

I've been waiting for the "Oh, I've done this before" feeling to hit.  I would love to feel like I know what I am doing....but every day I wake up and know that I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

But - don't be scared (especially if you attend the church I serve).  I really don't have a clue...but God does.  And, if I have learned one thing over this past year it would be, when serving God becomes predictable, then we're probably serving ourselves.

I crave organization; ministry is messy.  I crave predictability; God's unpredictable.  I crave rest; God is relentless.  So, here's where I am at on my one year anniversary:

Right where I started.
Confused and unsure.

But faithful.  To be sure, I fail sometimes, but I am trying.  Of course...it's going to snow; it's only fitting, because last year at this time I said, "I'll probably never have to deal with this again...".

So, what difference does a year make?  I am not sure.
But, this much is clear - I will be spending the rest of my life making the differences God calls me to (and calls you to too), whether I happen to be able to point to them or not.

Happy anniversary to me.

What do you stay awake for?

The other day I was having coffee at an area Caribou Coffee shop.  I looked down at the sleeve on the cup and read: Life is short.  Stay awake for it.

Caribou Coffee's been stealing from the Gospel of Matthew.  Really - they have.  Check it out:  Matthew 24: 42 - Keep awake, therefore, for you do not know on what day your LORD is coming.  (For Advent 1 reading click here).  It's probably an occupational hazard that I read a coffee cup and think of Jesus, but still....

Truth be told, they haven't been stealing, but they've tapped into something that we all know - the fact that many of us feel like there isn't a whole heck of a lot to stay awake for.  During this Advent season we are urged to stay awake, look for life!

I probably over analyze things, although I like to think it's looking for a deeper meaning, but as I looked at that coffee sleeve, urging me to stay awake for life, I thought:
'Isn't that an interesting dichotomy [yes, I actually thought that word - dichotomy.  I like it...much of life is such dichotomy]...if there's so much to stay awake for, why do I even need this hyped-up caffeinated beverage?

As many of you know, I drink more Diet Mountain Dew than possibly any other person on the planet.  I like my caffeine.  So, the more I've been thinking about this coffee sleeve, the more I've wondered, do we need the caffeine to stay awake for life?

Because if we do...then we are in trouble.  Trouble may not  be the right word, but....you know, life itself is enough to stay awake for.  There are amazing things happening and coming, but we don't see them sometimes.  At least I know I miss amazing things on a daily basis.  Maybe we are too numbed out on caffeine, I don't know.

The reason I liked the question, "What do you stay awake for?" so much is because it points to what Matthew doesn't say.  If I could rewrite Matthew, which would probably get me in loads of trouble with Bible translators, I would add that piece, "Therefore, keep awake, because there's much to blow your mind going on out in the world.  You certainly don't want to miss it."  I'd probably need to add some more therefore's and art thou's and thy's.  

Matthew reminds us to stay awake.  And Matthew says that the LORD is coming, so we should stay awake for that, but he doesn't ask us: What's so compelling about your life that you would want to stay awake through all hours of the night without the added assistance of caffeine?

So...what do you stay awake for?
Matthew would say, stay awake for Jesus.
So - would I, but I would add this one caveat... how?
If it's not the caffeine that's getting me through life, then what is?

I stay awake for:
crisp morning runs which clear my head
kisses from boys who don't care they've been throwing up for three days
hand holding
texts from friends which make me laugh out loud
small gifts which make a big difference
pre-school kids who hug me tight
smiles from strangers who receive an invitation
Christmas lists

There are more to be sure...but those are the things I've stayed awake for today (and I've only be awake for 7 hours).  I stay awake for those things, because I see God in them.  I see the person of Jesus in smiles, in tears, in touches...  Honestly, there is something saving in those for me - something Jesus-like.  Something realer than real.

I'm not inspired by the perfect cup of coffee, but I am inspired by the perfect imperfectness of Jesus.

And I don't need caffeine to keep me awake for that.  I know there are people who read this blog who aren't sure if they believe in God... and I guess I stay awake a lot because of that...because I once heard someone say, "If you've ever wondered about Jesus, about life after death, I'm here to tell you there's nothing truer in the universe.  That's my job."

I stay awake because I know that to be true...
What do you stay awake for?
Think about it.
And then....really stay awake for it, because it will be there that you will meet Jesus.

Tell me...

Wednesday evening I had the opportunity to worship at a church down the street from the one I serve.  I was going with a few people from our Wednesday evening Bible Study to a Thanksgiving Eve service.

I sat.
And...I didn't worry about a thing.
It was nice.

Sunday mornings are not like this for me.
I hardly sit.
I try not to worry, but I do.
It is still nice.

Just different.

So, I sat.  And I prayed.  And I sang and sorta danced in my pew - and I'm a terrible dancer.
And I didn't care.

And soon the pastor got up to preach and all I wanted was for him to tell me about God.

Just tell me again, the same thing I preach every week...

Tell me about God.  I'll never tire of that - of someone saying:
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

And I'll never tire of someone saying:
Let us pray....

And I'll never tire of someone saying:
God is like...
or God loves you...
or God gave his only Son...
or God forgives you...

And as I sat there, longing to hear about God, I knew...the task of the preacher is not so much to be creative, but to just talk about God like you really care.  Because for some reason, we just can't get enough.